Six Miniature Cups of Death

Object: Very simple—avoid death at all costs.

What you’ll need: Six miniature (3 oz.?) plastic cups, beer, and a bunch of people who aren’t afraid of death. Also, get a 6-sided die (no pun intended), and 3 cards: a ‘One-Eyed Jack’, a ‘Two-Eyed Jack’ and a ‘King of Spades,’ referred to as the ‘suicide King’. Number the cups 1 thru 6 from one end to the other. Fill 5 of the cups with beer. It doesn’t matter which cups you fill, after all, death knows no order.

Congratulations! You’re ready to meet death! Here’s how...

            Roll the die. The object is to roll a number corresponding to an empty cup. If you do this, pat yourself on the back, you’ve managed to escape death... for now... Pass the die to your right.

            If you rolled the number of the cup with beer in it, sucks for you. Drink the poison and hope death comes quickly. Keep rolling until either you roll the number of an empty cup, or there is only 1 cup left with beer in it and you roll its number. Sucks for everyone; here comes a ‘Plague!!!’ (after you finish your beer, of course.)

            A Plague is very special. (And very deadly!) Everyone has to yell “Plague!!!” in a panicked and excited manner. Then, whoever caused the Plague must name it. Be creative. If someone says “Bubonic!” or “Black Plague!” smack him/her. Don’t ever play with said person again. In fact, don’t even hang out with that person anymore. If you’re too nice to be honest, next time they call to hang out, lie and say you’d love to hang out but you’re busy working. If they see you out having a good time, lie again. Say you finished early and by the time you called them back, they were gone. (Oh, what a tangled web we weave.)

            A Plague is very, very special. Fill ALL the tiny cups up with beer,... not too much! Now, whoever caused the plague has to draw from the ‘Deck of Death’!!! The ‘Deck of Death!’ consists of the three playing cards: 2 jacks and a King. Lay the three cards face down. You have become; the ‘Executioner’ (Cue evil music)

            Now, start chanting! The ‘Executioner’ will start sweating from the obvious stress that comes with administering death. The other players should attack like vultures to a carcass. Have them chant “Death!, Death!, Death!, Death!, etc.” in rhythm while pounding the table. If anyone has experience with the drums, encourage them to bang out a ‘roll.’

            Drawing a ‘One-Eyed Jack’ means you can distribute the six miniature cups of death to any ONE person. Drawing the ‘Two-Eyed Jack’ means you can divvy up death to any two people (i.e. “I get three cups and Lois gets three cups.” Or “Dave, you scumrat, I can’t believe you pissed in my bed! Drink four cups, and Janet, you drink the other two.” Drawing the ‘suicide King’ of Spades means you drink all six cups (don’t worry, they’re very small). Everyone should point and laugh at you, yelling, “Kill yourself! Kill yourself!!!” Hey, no one ever said death was easy.

            There is another way to cause a Plague. If five of the six cups are filled and someone rolls the number of the only empty cup, they have smitten humanity with calamity... Fetch the ‘Deck of Death.’

            After a plague, refill 5 cups and pass the die to your right. You’ve conquered death... this time.

            There’s not much more to Six Miniature Cups of Death. Since death can strike at any moment there’s no set time limit to this game. Stop when you feel you’ve died more times than a Hindu.

            The game should be played quickly and, in case you hadn’t guessed, it is crucial to employ tongue-in-cheek deadpans and morbid clichés whenever possible, especially when you know they’re not funny. Don’t hold back... you only live once!... HA! HA! HA! (diabolical laughter)